harrisal2 on Datingish

Tuesday, 19 October 2010

If you talk about it, it becomes real...

I just read one of the blogs that's on the homepage of Datingish that talked about how October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

October's a pretty busy month. I'm sure I'm going to bother some people, though, when I say that October will never be "Breast Cancer Awareness Month." Instead, October will always be "Domestic Violence Awareness Month." As a girl on the dating scene, the thought of domestic violence scares me a lot. And, I think, that as a whole, whether we're dating, married, single, whatever, we need to keep in mind how horrific domestic abuse is.

I considered blogging about my first encounter with domestic abuse. I could tell you that I wasn't even alive when it happened - I wasn't even a thought in my parent's mind. They were too busy preparing for their wedding. Unaware that my mom's sister was about to be shot by her husband. I could even tell you about the first time I personally experienced a form of abuse while in a relationship. The year and a half that I spent afraid to do anything because I knew that one of these days he would move past telling me I was worthless and actually hit me. He was a lot bigger than me and I was completely under his spell. I was afraid for that entire time that I'd end up like my aunt. I could even tell you about the countless friends I've had who have been emotionally, sexually, and physically abused by their significant others. I'm only 22. I shouldn't have to use both hands (if not more) to count my friends who share stories similar to mine.

These aren't stupid girls. None of the are. Domestic abuse is a form of torture - it's a form of mind control. You no longer have control over what you're doing or what's happening to you. The worst part is that you KNOW what's happening is wrong. You KNOW that love doesn't hurt like this. And you KNOW you need to get out. But it doesn't matter anymore.

There are tons of statistics about domestic violence. I'm sure there are tons of blogs out there about domestic violence. This isn't new. There are far too many women (and men - yes I know it happens to you too) who are, have been, or will be, caught in the vicious cycle. Who will rationalize out their partner's behavior because we refuse to believe it could happen to us. We all know the signs. We know the cycle. It's been drilled into our heads. We know the statistics. We know who to call if we're in that situation. But it's my belief that many of those numbers and contacts aren't utilized until it's too late. Until we're so caught up in the cycle that we "change our minds" and decide nothing bad has happened. That the bruises aren't indications of what really happened. The fact that we cry ourselves to sleep because we truely believe the hurtful words we're told is normal now. Sex no longer is special. It's lost it's meaning. And we've lost ourselves.

I want to make this plea. If you believe you're in a hurtful relationship (in any aspect - you don't have to be hit to be abused) please use your resources. I know it's hard. I got to the point where I wouldn't tell my parents about my boyfriend. I wouldn't tell my friends what was happening. I couldn't even bring myself to write about what happened. And after we broke up? I still have friends who don't know the whole truth. It's a process. But, from my experience, telling people what happened helps. You'll feel guilty. You'll wonder how a smart girl like you got tricked into believing that was love. But more than that - you'll realize that what happened wasn't your fault. It was a sad, pathetic, little boy who has to control every aspect of his pathetic life. He's manipulative, he's everything you wanted. But you can get out. And you CAN do so much better. Other people WILL love you. They'll love you more than he says he does. Your friends miss you. Your family misses you. You miss you.

If you know of someone who may be in a relationship, be patient. It's not an easy process to admit it. And once they do, there's no guarantee that they're going go get out anytime soon. Continue being there for them. Because when they get out, they're going to need all the support they can get. When I finally worked up the nerve to break up with (and stay broken up with) my boyfriend, my friends all had turned against me. My family was tired of hearing about my problems. I felt so alone. And it was so hard not to go back to him. But all it took was one friend to tell me "I'm so glad you're back". I knew it was the right decision.

It's not easy thinking about that point in my life. I still wonder sometimes if he was right about me. I wonder if anyone will ever want me or love me (a point that hits home everytime I think about the fact that I'm not in a relationship and haven't been in a relationship since him). I wonder if all I'm good for IS sex. But I look at my mom, my aunts, my grandma, and I realize that if I were to go back to him, if I were to have never gotten out, I would be where my aunt is now.

As Elphaba said, "if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free"
Here it goes again...

True stories on the journey from single to "it's complicated"

That's what this is all about right? This datingish blog? I've used it in the past to vent about dating. To express opinions about issues that deal with dating. But I realized that I've never used it for it's true purpose - to tell a true story on my journey from sing to "it's complicated". Well, folks, let's change that.

If you've read any past blogs (riveting as they are, I know) you'll know I haven't had much luck getting out of the "single" zone. When I was in undergrad (which turns out to only have been like five months ago) all of my close friends were engaged or married. Now that I'm in grad school...well most of the people in my cohort (oooh psychology word!) are in serious relationships or married. True story. Out of the thirteen of us four aren't in serious relationships. Four. Which is just...ridiculous. But at least I'm not alone.

Bio boy and I have...well...we've seemed to have cooled off a little bit. Not neccessarily by choice, mind you, but by necessity. Mostly because he has pretty much stopped talking to me more often than once every 2-3 weeks. It's something I've been dealing with on a daily basis that's gotten much better. I had accepted my single-hood. Technically, it's been...almost three months since I've had sex. And by three months I mean the last time I had sex was August 9th. Yes, I'm that pathetic girl who remembers the last time she had sex. Mostly because after that day I promised myself to go two years without sex. I put up with the jabs and laughter and questions and concerns and lectures and everything else that occured when I told people about my self-induced celibacy rule but it didn't matter. I was going to show that I had self control and that I respected my body enough to know that the next person I slept with was going to be someone I truely cared (dare I say...love??) and felt the same way towards me. And, honestly, things have been going fine. Not only have I not had sex since August 9th, but I haven't kissed anyone (outside of pecks on the cheeks from family members) since then, either.

Then...well then September 18th happened and things changed. A girl from the same state that I'm from and I are heading to a city 45 minutes away to watch a football game with fellow in-staters. (Yes. 45 minutes to watch a college football game in a bar. Trust me, I know it's slightly ridiculous but that's the joys of college football - you get to BE slightly ridiculous) We get there, we meet a couple people. Including a couple guys. Always on the lookout (since the two of us make up half of the single population of our group), we start chatting with them. One is engaged. The other - not so much. All four of us (the other girl, the two of us, and the non-engaged guy) become friends on facebook (because it's not official until it's on facebook) and have a great time.

Thursday October 7. My classmate can't make it down to the game so I go by myself. The third girl doesn't feel well and leaves early. It's just me and him. And it's so much fun. We're laughing, yelling, talking football, just generally having a fantastic time. We stay until the end of the game and he walks me to my car. We talk for about five minutes until we realize how cold it is. He gives me a hug and we both start for home.

But...have you ever hung out with someone and realized that they maybe wanted to make a move but didn't? I can't explain how you know but sometimes...you can just tell. I suppose that's not really important to the story but I remember having that thought on the ride home and wondering if I should be feeling guilty about bioboy. I digress...

Throughout the next week, we talk. Almost everyday. Tuesday, October 12 he sends me a message on facebook and asks what I'm doing that Thursday and that he'd like to come over to my town and have dinner and drinks. Or pizza and beer. Which is the grad student version of dinner and drinks as far as I'm concerned. So, Thursday, October 14, I meet him at the local pizza place and we spend three hours talking and drinking and enjoying each other's company. We head out to a low profile bar and have a couple more drinks and keep talking. We end the night with a kiss. Although, I think if you were to ask anyone who happened to be walking by at that point that maybe "kiss" was too conservative of a word. So we made out a little bit - it's not a crime. In fact, it was really fun. I had kind of forgotten what it felt like to just kiss someone. I like kissing. And he's a damn good kisser (it always sucks when they aren't, huh?)

We made tentative plans to go out again sometime. Turns out that sometime is Saturday night. In his town. Date #2? Holy cow - I'm still a little giddy over date #1 (which is a dangerous feeling...I'm working on controlling that). I'm trying to think and I don't think I've been taken out on two dates like this in a long time. The last guy I actually "dated" took me out on one date. After that it was like "we'll have dinner then go to the bar" which, as romantic as that sounds, really isn't the most exciting thing.

So, here I am, folks. On the journey from eternal singlehood (which I accepted and began looking into cats to adopt) to date #2. I'm so full of confusion and excitement that I don't even know where to begin. I have so many questions that I'm not sure if I'm even looking for answers for yet. What do I wear? Do I kiss him again? What if I can't drive home from his town afterwards? How long do I wait before I'm "supposed" to sleep with him? (not that I will because I'm sticking with my plan of waiting until I feel more than just initial spark but still...it's a legit question). What does this mean? But, most importantly - how do I prevent myself from getting in over my head? I know it's important to take things one step at a time. I've learned that lesson way too many times for my own good. But how do you stop yourself from thinking too much?

Wish me luck, bloggers...this could be a bumpy ride

Monday, 02 August 2010

What does it mean?

So I've been seeing this guy for about...ten months. Not dating, mind you, but seeing. (Not dating because I'm leaving the state for a couple years to go to grad school and he isn't so keen on the long distant thing. Don't get me started on that nonsense)
We've had some pretty serious talks about just about everything - marriage, kids, school, jobs, our past, just about anything imaginable. But always about OTHER people.
I got a text last night from him that said:
"you're a pretty amazing girl. If i believed marriage could work you would be at the top of my list"
Um. WHAT?!? This is coming from a guy who won't even commit to two years of long distance. Where did this even come from? And more importantly, what the hell does it mean? I know I'm a girl and I read into things, but he always made it clear that he doesn't do the girl thing and drop hints. "What I say, I mean," he told me one of the first times we hung out together.
I'm still confused. Hints? Clues? Ways to calm down??? Anything would be appreciated right now....

Sunday, 16 May 2010

You're Undateable!

So VH1 did the show "Undateable: 100 Things That Guys Do That Guarantee They Won't be Dating or Having Sex" based on the book. I've decided to share my opinion about the list. Feel free to agree/disagree or share other behaviors that are big no-no's for you
100. Man Shakes - eh...I dunno. If it lasts more than a minute that's a little excessive. There's nothing wrong with that "hand shake/chest bump" thing that guys do. But that's maybe the extent of it...
99. Blue Tooth - it makes you look like an ass. Regardless of whether or not you're on a date or not. Blue Tooth earpieces are LAME
98. Wrong Sheets - Eh...maybe? Depends on the age. Like, I'm 21 so if I'm with a guy who has awesome bedsheets and is around my age I don't know if I'd be too upset about it. But I think once you graduate college you should get normal bedsheets. They're cute if that's your personality maybe?
97. Mandanas - Why? Why would you need one? I'll admit, I was into a guy who would wear one to the bar. But I think you have to have a certain personality to pull off a mandana. And it's not an attractive personality.
96. Tanks & Sleeveless Ts - Not on a date. No. Working out. Working outside. Maybe if you have the arms to pull it off. NEVER on a date. And a wife beater? Sorry...very few people look good in those...if you're too big you look disgusting. If you're too small you look like a wannabe. Lame.
95. Arm Wrestling In Public - on a date? Really? Keep that a boy's night tradition. Unless a girl wants to arm wrestle you. But be careful - don't be an ass but don't be a wimp.
94. "The Blank –STER" - just plain annoying. You'll sound like the copy guy from SNL. And no one likes him.
93. Vanity Plates - if I can understand them and they aren't idiotic they aren't bad. If it takes me 20 minutes and you're explanation to understand what the hell they say they're bad. Get normal plates.
92. Quoting Lines From Movies - unless you're having a conversation ABOUT a movie or it's a perfect setup this is unacceptable
91. Unfortunate Ties - um...my high school physics teacher wore wierd ties. He was an odd bird. A nice guy but an odd bird. I didn't want to date him. Don't remind me of my high school science teachers. Don't.
90. Cell Phone On The Waist - my dad has one of these. Seriously. Cell phones are thin enough now so they should fit in your pocket. If I can get a phone in MY pocket than you can get one in yours.
89. Sports Cliches - think of something of your own to say. It makes you sound like an idiot. And I don't date idiots.
88. The Flatulence Trifecta - I get it - everyone farts. That's a private thing. Like...if you're by yourself or in the bathroom. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to smell it. And don't you DREAM of dutch ovening me. That will get you a swift kick in the balls.
87. Ordering Wine @ Stadium - seriously? drink a damn beer. We aren't in a resteraunt.
86. Online TMI - if the internet is more exciting than me then you'll be spending more time on it.
85. Pleated Pants - no. ew. I don't know what else to say...
84. Embellished Jeans - you're not a girl. Hell, even if you are don't do this. Jeans are not meant to be Bedazzled. Don't ruin a nice pair of jeans. Jeans are sexy. Jewels are not.
83. Rearranging Junk / Butt Picking - bathroom. Please do that in the bathroom.
82. Sports Jerseys - unless we're going to a sporting event I don't want to see one of these on a date. In fact...there are only a few times were it's ok. major games, working out, if you're an actual sports athelete, or letting me sleep in one
81. Dirty Car - I would like to know that there are some things you care enough about to impress me. I don't need the nicest car but a clean one is a must. Here's a hint - hide shit in your trunk if you're pressed for time. But don't overdo it. If I have to take off my shoes just to get into your car I won't.
80. Aggressive Sport Fans - This has it's limits. I like a guy who gets really into things. I get really into football games. I yell and cheer and get a little rowdy. If you're starting fights or crying that's taking it too far. Be a good sport and don't piss me off.
79. Murses - ew. wallet. what else would you need to carry that wouldn't fit in your wallet?
78. Whining - I get annoyed when I whine all the time. i don't want to hear you whine too. you're not a child, calm down and speak normally.
77. Jorts & Japris - ew. just. ew. khaki shorts are nice. jeans are nice. i don't wear capris so you better not.
76. Air Guitar - if we're out at the club and it's a classic rock song - journey, stix, kansas, then the air guitar isn't so bad. as long as you aren't the only one. have fun. don't be obnoxious.
75. Boners - i get it - they happen. don't tell me about it. how do you do that on a date? if it's just us and we're getting...intimate...find a way to do it that doesn't make you sound like a jr high student
74. Fake Swearing - damn, shit, hell, ass. they work. fuck isn't too bad if it's not all the time. if you really arne't confortable swearing that's ok. but if you're doing it because you think it's cute or whatever that's lame.
73. Hawaiian Shirts - I had a college professor who rocked out Hawaiian shirts everyday. Don't remind me of my college professors. I didn't want to date them. I don't want to date you if you remind me of them.
72. Overly Creative Voice Mail - I'm a receptionist. I want a normal voice mail. Tell me who you are and that you'll get back to me. Just like jobs - if you sound like an idiot on your voice mail I won't take you seriously to date. I dated a guy whose voicemail was a compliation of wrestling phrases. Seriously???
71. Names For Breasts - don't name them. In fact, on a date - don't even reference them. It's kinda trashy.
70. Listening To Lite FM - are you a woman? I mean - if a "lite rock" song comes on the radio and you don't flip away from it I won't hate you. But if you keep it on a Lite Rock station the entire time I may have second thoughts about you.
69. Skullwear - not on a date. Especially not on a first date. Hot Topic is fun. But it was fashionable when I was in Jr. High. You're an adult - dress like one.
68. Speaking In Cartoon Voice - I get it - you're trying to make me laugh. If I already know you then that's ok. If I just met you - you're creepy. And making me uncomfortable
67. Can’t Throw Ball - no excuse. Everyone should be able to throw a decent ball. Male or female.
66. Pet Names for Penis - don't name your penis. Are you still in high school? It's immature.
65. Crocs - ew. Just. ew. No one should be allowed to wear these things.
64. Pitted Out Shirts - seriously? I get it that guys sweat but don't let them get ridiculous. use bleach when you wash them. If they get too bad - BUY NEW ONES. undershirts are cheap. If it's not an undershirt that's pitted out - wear undershirts.
63. Booya - again. are we in jr. high? grow up
62. Tap That / Hit That - you're not a rapper. you aren't allowed to say "tap that" or "hit that" to a woman unless you'd like to be hit.
61. Playing Dungeons & Dragons - that was ok when you were a teenager. But you're not anymore. Find a better hobby. Please.
60. Going Shirtless In Public - unless we're at the beach or a pool party wear a damn shirt.
59. Owning Nunchucks - ok Napoleon. Unless they're REAL nunchucks and you don't use them thinking you're a ninja don't tell me about them for a while. Or just get rid of them.
58. Bling - you should never wear more jewelery than me. And I don't wear much.
57. Stupid Tees - they're ok when we're just hanging out. But if we're on a date - leave them at home and wear a grown up shirt.
56. Bad Dancing - hell, if you're dancing with me and you're having a good time and I'm having a good time then I don't care. Good or bad - if you're having fun that's all that matters. Good dancers are more fun but I'm not that great of a dancer so I don't want to be out shined. lol
55. Busting Out Porn Too Soon - just wait. at least be having sex before you break that out. and if it's homemade porn you better hope i NEVER find it. I don't want to see you screwing your ex girlfriend. It makes you look like a dick. And no - you won't be getting one of me and you either.
54. Biker Shorts - only for bikers. or female volleyball players. but that's IT
53. Talking About Video Games - unless we're talking about video games, I don't want to hear about it
52. Bro-Code - I get it that you've been with your "boys" longer than me but unless your "boys" are putting out - don't blow me off for them. And if your "boys" are putting out then why the hell are you dating me?
51. "Moist" - ick. kind of makes me want to vomit. it just sounds...gross
50. Leather Pants - seriously? SERIOUSLY? I can't even think of a man who can pull off leather pants.
49. Crotch Grab - I get it. You have a penis. You love your penis. If you want me to go near it you need to stay away from it while you're out with me.
48. Holiday Sweaters - unless you're going to an ugly sweater party, I don't want to see it
47. Bad Table Manners - it's not that hard to put your napkin in your lap, use your silverware, and not act like a slob. I don't want to see your food while you're eating. I don't want to hear you belch at the table. I don't want to listen to you chug your drink. Act like you're having a meal with your hero.
46. Cut Off Shorts - unless you're gay I don't want to see them. And I think even if you are gay I don't want to see them.
45. Penis Enlargement - hahaha seriously??? don't ever whip this out or I'm out the door. Be confident with what you have. More than likely you're better than you think.
44. Frequenting Gun Range - i don't know about this one. I date hunters. So I would hope that if you hunt you know how to shoot. And i wouldn't really mind going to a gun range on a date. Maybe not a first date but it's fun and it's different. I like it.
43. Tacky Texting - don't be overly cutesy. A few smiley faces (the wink is the best...) and it's ok to throw in a couple lol's. but if you text like my 12 year old cousin where I can't understand a damn thing you're typing I won't text you back.
42. Chain Wallet - you know that redneck joke about "if your dog and your wallet are both on a chain you may be a redneck"? yea. you don't need a wallet. are you afraid you're going to lose your wallet? It's in your pocket.
41. Getting Drunk On a Plane - men or women. don't be drunk on a plane. it's sloppy. and just totally inappropriate. those planes are too small for that. and i don't want to smell that for the entire trip. In fact, generally sloppy drunkeness isn't attractive.
40. Disturbing Laugh - calm down. nothing is that funny. normal laughs are ok. chuckles are ok. laughing is good but don't sound like a cartoon vilan.
39. Lame Pick Lines - do they ever work? seriously? ask me to dance, offer to buy me a drink, just introduce yourself. pick up lines mean you have to now work twice as hard.
38. Open-Mouth Breathing - unless your nose is stuffed up this is kind of annoying. It's loud.
37. Excessive Ed Hardy - once in a while. Don't make it an everyday part of your wardrobe. You'll end up looking like John Gosslin. Or a juicer from Jersey.
36. Burping Loudly & Proudly - It's gross. I don't ever really want to hear it. I know they happen. I burp. But try to keep it quiet. My roommate burps loud and proud and it makes me want to vomit. Seriously. Have some class.
35. Owning A Van - "Because that doesn't scream rape-mobile"
34. Baby Talk - I'm not a baby. Don't insult my intelligence. Or your own.
33. Dad Jeans - there's a reason they're called "DAD" jeans. I don't want to date my dad. Ew.
32. Hairy Back, Neck & Nose - trim that shit. You expect us to shave certain body parts (legs and armpits are the must for us) so we expect you to keep these body parts in check. No one wants to date the wolf man. Electric razors work wonders.
31. Eminem-Speak - it's stupid. Don't act like someone you're not. Act like yourself and you'll go so much further.
30. Wimpy Drinker - if I can drink you under the table it isn't gonna work. I like to have a good time. I don't like taking care of drunk people when I'm trying to drink. And if you're seriously ordering "girlie" drinks (cosmos, appletinis, dacquiris) then I'll chug my Jack and Coke and find a real man. I don't mean to come off as sexist but come on.
29. Double Denim - ok Denim Dan. A nice pair of jeans should be all the denim you wear.
28. Bicep & Calf Implants - implants are gross. Be proud of what you have. If you want bigger muscles then work out. But I'd rather you be confident with what you have than be so insecure you need implants.
27. The Pregnant Man - I try to keep myself somewhat presentable. Try to do the same. Pregnant men (and non-pregnant pregnant women) make me uncomfortable
26. Speedos - are you a swimmer? Are you European? Are you fit? Trunks are WAY more attractive for most people
25. Bad Driver (Sissy/Rage) - I have some road rage. I don't mind it - to an extent. If you're flipping everyone off or getting out of your car to fight some old lady that's too much. And sissy driving? You're not a grandpa yet (hopefully). Don't drive like one. Or I'll punch you. :)
24. Attending Geek Conventions - I dated a guy who was SO into comic books. I think he even went to to a convention. It was a little excessive. It's ok to enjoy "geek" things (comic books, scifi movies, Star Wars/Star Trek) but don't make it who you are.
23. Talking in Third Person - Don't. You will turn everyone off. No one needs to be that full of themselves.
22. Riding A Contraption - regular bike. car. truck. motorcycle. walk. all acceptable.
21. Moobs - oh goodness. If your boobs are bigger than mine that's it. Sorry. I know some guys just have bigger pecs (not due to muscles) and that's fine. But if you need a bra to keep those suckers in line I draw the line there.
20. Guy lights/ Dyeing Your Hair - I color my hair. If you really need to color yours that's fine. But highlights make you look like a popstar from the 90's. There's a reason they were big in the 90's and not now. You just look like you care more about your hair than your girl
19. Bringing Glove to A Game - this is what little kids do. I get it - you want to catch a ball. But don't be that guy. And DON'T steal balls from little kids. That's a dick move.
18. Tighty Whities - seriously? Boxers. Boxer briefs. NO tighty whities. You aren't a child anymore
17. Bad Facial Hair - keep it clean. I'm ok with facial hair as long as it's not out of control. If you look like a 70's porn star I'm not into it. I dated a guy who had a "soul patch" and it made him look like a douche. Still does. It's not cute. It's kind of gross.
16. Gross Nails - I like men who do phyiscal labor for work. Kinda sexy. But wash your hands when you're done. I'm not letting you get near my lady bits with dirty fingernails.
15. Not Paying On First Date - if you ask me out on a date you pay. If I ask you, I'll pay. I'll always reach for the check but if you make me pay when you've asked me out then I won't be out with you anymore. We dont need to go someplace expensive. I'm a fan of inexpensive and personal dates - let's just watch a movie at your place. Or go the park.
14. Dirty Hair - wash it! I wash mine you wash yours. If you don't wash your hair then you probably don't wash other parts.
13. Fur Coats - Men don't wear fur coats. Women shouldn't really wear fur coats. Fur coats are kind of 1920's and for people with way too much money.
12. Bald Denial - shave it off. Bald men are sexy. Look at Chris Daughtry. Or Vin Diesel. I get it that not everyone can pull off the shaved hair look. That's ok. Do what you can. Don't hide it. Be confident and women will like it.
11. Steroids - they make your junk smaller!!!!!! I don't care how big your muscles are. If you're too small down there because of 'roids then I'm out. And the rage issue?Yea. Not hot.
10. Creepily Into Mom - I like that you and your mom have a good relationship. Really - it's a good sign. But if you're turning into Norman Bates then we have a problem. Cut the apron strings and show her how much you love her by being a good boyfriend.
9. Excessive Waxing - it's ok to wax your back. Ok for your shoulders. It's even ok for your chest if you look like Austin Powers. It's even ok to turn your unibrow into two eyebrows. But when you're doing the "swimmer" look and waxing EVERYTHING...um...I don't know about that. I'm a fan of a manly man. Guys with no body hair look like naked mole rats. Not men.
8. Hocking Loogies - kind of like burping or farting. I think it's gross. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it. Go to the bathroom and blow your damn nose. It's just not attractive. And I sure as hell don't want to kiss you after that.
7. Mandals with Socks - no. No excuses. one or the other.
6. The V & Other Gestures - yea. I really want to sleep with you after you make that vulgar and juvenile gesture. You're probably a walking STD. If Ron Jeremy thinks it's dumb then don't do it.
5. Bustin’ a Sag - You know what this means right? It started in prison. It's what prisoners did when it meant they were available for sex with other prisoners. It's not that difficult to find a pair of jeans that fit and look good. Besides - those are WAY sexier than you dropping your drawers in public. Why are you even wearing jeans if you aren't gonna keep them up?
4. Eye/ Face lift - don't. Even women shouldn't do this. The only time when plastic surgery should be done is for legit health reasons or in case of severe disfiguration. Plastic surgery has just emphasized the ridiculously superficial culture we live in. People grow old. The more you try to hide it the worse you look. Accept it!!!
3. Chewing Tobacco - I can't hate on this one. It's hard to find a guy out here that doesn't chew. Just...rinse your mouth out before you try to kiss me. And don't be sloppy when you're putting it in. And know that your mouth is gonna get pretty gross. And you'll have that stupid ring in your back pocket. But at least you aren't killing me...just yourself. And it's ok to spit it if you do it discretely. I don't want to SEE your spit.
2. Talking About your Ex - If you're really over her, don't talk about her. Good things, bad things, I don't want to hear about her. Unless I ask. I'm curious - I like to know about people's past. I think that it helps explain some of the things they do now. But I don't necessarily want you to bring her up whenever you feel like it. And don't EVER compare me to her. I've had that from every guy I've dated. I got compared to the "freak in the sheets" and the "love of his life". Thanks for letting me know I'm not good enough for you.
1. The C-Word - seriously? why would this word EVER be acceptable? Seriously. Someone who doesn't have a problem with this word should give me a situation in which it's ok to say this. It's gross. It's vulgar. It's offensive. Just like using the N word isn't acceptable. Find a better word and if it's that difficult to find a better word then maybe you need some help.

Friday, 14 May 2010

Wait...What?!?

I know there are a lot of posts about rape and rape victims and all that. This is similar but a little different. It begins with a story and ends with a question.

The story:
I live in a house with two other people: a girl who's on the lease, and a guy who isn't. (We let him move in for a couple months until he could find his own place. Last June. Now he's just free-loading because the girl "isn't the person to just kick someone else out"). We actually moved from our apartment to this house in March. Our landlord gave us one key. We kept meaning to make copies but we kept forgetting to or didn't have time and since we're leaving at the end of the month, it doesn't make sense to get one. Besides, we have a system. Whoever is the last one in the house locks the door at the end of the night. We've never had a problem with this. If we lock the door, we let the other one know and we stay up to make sure they can get in.
Our male roommate is a bartender. We can go days without seeing him at the house. We never know when or if he's coming home on any given night. Two nights ago, my female roommate dropped me off at the house before going out to the bar. I was sitting in the living room and I noticed people walking past our house and slowing down when they got to the windows. I live in a pretty safe town (really low crime rate - especially violent crimes) but it made me really nervous. When I went to bed, I locked the front door. My female roommate had the key for the night so I knew I'd be ok.
Three hours later I wake up to my phone beeping at me and my male roommate yelling. "Why is the f*cking door locked? Who the f*ck locked the G*d D*mn door?!?". (We leave the backdoor unlocked for him because it leads right to his room. And you have to know how to find the door and that it would be unlocked to get in) He was drunk, which isn't unusual for him.He continued this for about 20 minutes before leaving the house to go God knows where. He's a big guy - I'm not comfortable confronting him when he's drunk. After he left I checked my phone. I had a message from him.
"You're not hot enough to be raped. Get over yourself. Leave the damn door open!"
Needless to say, I was (and still am) furious. How dare he even JOKE about that to two girls. Especially when one has been raped. When one's best friend was violently raped. Drunk or not - there's no excuse. I made sure to let him know he was not welcome back to the house anytime soon. And when did being raped come with a minimum hotness? I guess I always thought of rape as a power and control issue - not a hot girl issue. (But what do I know? I just graduated Summa Cum Laude from college and he's been in school for seven years with no intention of ever actually graduating or taking a class)

So the question is...
Other than the typical "she dressed like a slut so she deserved it" BS, what are some other things you've heard that people say to question the legitimacy of rape? In my case, people didn't believe it was really rape because I had been drinking and laid down in the guy's bed to go to sleep. If I "hadn't gone off with him by myself to his bedroom, it wouldn't have happened", was what I was told.